over pancakes

last night was a rough night.  jeremy made bisquick pancakes for dinner (i had leftover cheddar and broccoli crust-less quiche with salsa).  he asked first and i said yes, thinking it wouldn't be that big of a deal. (i never really liked the bisquick pancakes anyway.  i preferred the "from scratch" version.)  this was the first time he made something i couldn't eat and turns out... it was a big deal.

the smells alone were enough to push me over the edge, not to mention the incredible fluffy-ness of the pancakes smothered in the delicious glutenous syrup.  i was searching the kitchen trying to find something safe to eat that equaled the temptation of his dinner.  i appeared to be holding it together, but i seethed on the inside.  eventually my emotions seeped out.  they always do.  after some cold comments when his dinner was long gone, jeremy knew something was up.  the meltdown followed.

we are talking hard sobs. a genuine ugly cry.  i felt angry that he made something i couldn't eat. i felt dumb for being angry (he was kind to ask and i said yes).  i felt sad/angry that i have this disease that makes me rethink everything i put into my mouth. i felt selfish for feeling angry about having celiac, there are far worse things.  it was quite the cyclical build-up to the biggest meltdown to date about having celiac. 

after my good cry, jeremy promised he would only make delicious, gluteny treats when i wasn't home.  that felt a little better.  then he cuddled me until i fell asleep.  he's the best.